First Impressions Can Be Deceiving!
An essay I wrote recently about a friend of mine and first impressions...
The bar was a buzz with conversation and a live band. I had not been in a bar or out with friends for a few drinks in the six weeks since I had returned from Korea for my summer visit to the United States. I was anxious to be in a social environment and stimulated by the sites of Faneuil Hall, with its old red brick sidewalks, white sparkling lights and great opportunities for people watching. It is a fantastic area with a happy energy.
I was out with my friend Bill and some of his friends. I was sipping on my signature cocktail, Gin & Tonic, and had even splurged on the expensive Bombay Sapphire Gin. One friend of his in particular -- we will call him JM -- was especially amusing to me. He was funny, really funny. I had not encountered a personality like that on a person in a very long time, and never exactly like it, as he is definitely a unique individual. He looked familiar to me and I thought I must have seen him at some of the parties years ago, but do not recall if I ever had an actual conversation with him. On this night though, we were quipping back and forth with funny or ridiculous statements.
“Are those real?” he asked me, looking hard at my breasts. Still stunned from the shock of such a forward and clearly inappropriate question, I managed to utter, “Yes.” Imagine my shock as I saw him come towards me with one single finger that poked my right breast as you would poke an animal to see if it were still alive! He had the audacity to check and see if it was real. My immediate and thoughtless reaction was to smack him across the face, to which he replied, “OOOHHH I liked that! Do it again!” I was stunned again and could not imagine what the hell was the matter with this guy. He did add a defense of sorts, something along the lines of, “What? It is not like I grabbed it,” or something to that affect. The fact that I was still standing in front of him, and that he was still standing at all, speaks to his charm. Even in that moment I recognized that he had a charm that could get him away with murder.
If a person had come up to me at that moment and told me that one day he would be an amazing friend that I would respect and admire a great deal, I would have laughed to the point of incontinence to be sure! I mean, sure, I was drawn to him and amused by him, and somehow not offended by him (completely), but I had already labeled him a pig and ‘good time Charlie’ in my mind. It didn’t help that his reputation preceded him. I had heard about crazy JM and listening to guys talk, I had this sense that he was a player, out with a different girl every week. I mean what kind of guy asks about the validity of one of your body parts and dares to check for himself in such a bold manner, rather than favoring the more subtle ‘accidental’ brush?
Later in the night, however, I was surprised when he wandered over to where I was talking to a man that I had met in the bar and checked on me. He did this not once, but two or three times. Also, on the way home, when I was completely inebriated, I fell asleep on him in the back seat of the car and he was a perfect gentleman. He wasn’t all bad, but I still would never have assumed we would be anything more than acquaintances with a mutual friend.
I returned to Korea and the only contact I had with JM was when Bill would talk about him. More than a year went by before our paths crossed again. I returned home to accept a job in Boston and try to reconnect with friends and family after five years living abroad. I went out with Bill occasionally, but always managed to miss JM. Eventually I was invited to his movie premier. His what? The impression I was given was that he had a hobby of making crazy movies. I did not get the feeling it was serious, but it sounded like fun and I thought it would be fun to see him again. Just before the premier, JM sent me an invitation with a web site for his production company.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. He was not what I expected. As I sat in my sister’s living room looking at his accomplishments, I spoke out loud in shock, “OH MY GOD! JM is really intelligent. This guy is a writer? His films have won awards? Oh my God -- this guy is a creative genius!” As my sister listened to me she said, “Do you ever listen to yourself? You are kind of a snotty bitch, you know that?” I told her she hadn’t met him.
I attended the movie premier and was blown away. He had written the story, as well as directing and starring in the film. I was dazzled by his talent. I was also pleasantly surprised when he recognized me immediately and gave me a hug hello. I thought, “He does have a sweet side.” Again, I enjoyed his company when I got a chance to speak to him and attempted to let him know how impressed I was without it coming out as a backhanded compliment. I am not sure I was successful in that, but he accepted graciously with a smile.
I saw him once in a while in a group over the next couple of months. We emailed once in a while. At some point I sent an email to everyone I knew in the Boston area looking for someone to meet me at a Korean Restaurant in Cambridge, as I had a hankering for Korean food. JM was the only person to respond. He agreed to meet me and he brought friends. It was my first time meeting him outside of a bar environment. He surprised me further that night. He was charming and spoke of how hard he imagined it would be to come back after so long and try to make new friends at our age. I had tried to explain that to people and felt like nobody understood, but this guy came up with it on his own. How did he know? He had brought me an article he had ripped out of the New Yorker, which was very thoughtful, and he talked about his writing for the first time. I had the best time I had had since a friend I had known in Korea had visited me in Boston months earlier.
After the Korean restaurant we started meeting almost weekly for dinner at a different restaurant. We had Thai food, Mexican food, and Chinese food, and with each meal he revealed more depth and talent and passion and enthusiasm. I was more impressed each time I met with him. He also sent me some of his work. I had only heard about the funny or crazy things he had written, but he sent me screenplays that were serious and well researched. I was having a hard time reconciling the man I was meeting for dinner, and starting to call friend, with the initial impressions I had of him. I clung hard to my first impressions though. He had poked my breast! I couldn’t have been wrong!
I found that he was a lot like me in many ways. At times I was surprised at the things we had in common. He loves Frank Sinatra music and many other oldies. He watches old movies. He can quote movies and knows who sings all the songs we grew up with. He remembers all my favorite old TV shows, and not only understands my references to them, but will reference them himself. He is the king of pop culture! He has a curiosity about the world and longs to travel. He is principled and passionate. He is thoughtful and caring and loyal to his friends. He showed his vulnerability and his insecurities when I still held back with my own. I admired his openness. I found him to be a completely different person one-on-one and was enjoying getting to know him. One night he invited me over to trim his Christmas tree with some of his good friends, and then started to include me more and more.
At some point I had to acknowledge that I needed to let go of the first impression. I needed to acknowledge that this guy had been more thoughtful of my needs and gone further out of his way for me in the last couple of months than many of the people who had known me for years and loved me. He had become a good friend. I realized that I had never been more surprised or impressed by a person than I was by JM. He told me as he left our second dinner, “I am going to inspire you,” and he truly has. His ambition and dedication to his writing puts me to shame. He has made me want to write more often and seek out places to publish my work.
First impressions are funny. At times you can have some misunderstanding and be wrong, but there is no misunderstanding about breast poking! I guess there are other times when you only see a sliver of who a person really is – only one aspect of their personality. People are complicated and protect themselves in many ways. I am glad that JM had a charm that could get him away with murder and that I was drawn to his humor. If not, I may have never gotten a chance to know this amazing man. I may have lost out on a friendship that I may well value for the rest of my life.
The bar was a buzz with conversation and a live band. I had not been in a bar or out with friends for a few drinks in the six weeks since I had returned from Korea for my summer visit to the United States. I was anxious to be in a social environment and stimulated by the sites of Faneuil Hall, with its old red brick sidewalks, white sparkling lights and great opportunities for people watching. It is a fantastic area with a happy energy.
I was out with my friend Bill and some of his friends. I was sipping on my signature cocktail, Gin & Tonic, and had even splurged on the expensive Bombay Sapphire Gin. One friend of his in particular -- we will call him JM -- was especially amusing to me. He was funny, really funny. I had not encountered a personality like that on a person in a very long time, and never exactly like it, as he is definitely a unique individual. He looked familiar to me and I thought I must have seen him at some of the parties years ago, but do not recall if I ever had an actual conversation with him. On this night though, we were quipping back and forth with funny or ridiculous statements.
“Are those real?” he asked me, looking hard at my breasts. Still stunned from the shock of such a forward and clearly inappropriate question, I managed to utter, “Yes.” Imagine my shock as I saw him come towards me with one single finger that poked my right breast as you would poke an animal to see if it were still alive! He had the audacity to check and see if it was real. My immediate and thoughtless reaction was to smack him across the face, to which he replied, “OOOHHH I liked that! Do it again!” I was stunned again and could not imagine what the hell was the matter with this guy. He did add a defense of sorts, something along the lines of, “What? It is not like I grabbed it,” or something to that affect. The fact that I was still standing in front of him, and that he was still standing at all, speaks to his charm. Even in that moment I recognized that he had a charm that could get him away with murder.
If a person had come up to me at that moment and told me that one day he would be an amazing friend that I would respect and admire a great deal, I would have laughed to the point of incontinence to be sure! I mean, sure, I was drawn to him and amused by him, and somehow not offended by him (completely), but I had already labeled him a pig and ‘good time Charlie’ in my mind. It didn’t help that his reputation preceded him. I had heard about crazy JM and listening to guys talk, I had this sense that he was a player, out with a different girl every week. I mean what kind of guy asks about the validity of one of your body parts and dares to check for himself in such a bold manner, rather than favoring the more subtle ‘accidental’ brush?
Later in the night, however, I was surprised when he wandered over to where I was talking to a man that I had met in the bar and checked on me. He did this not once, but two or three times. Also, on the way home, when I was completely inebriated, I fell asleep on him in the back seat of the car and he was a perfect gentleman. He wasn’t all bad, but I still would never have assumed we would be anything more than acquaintances with a mutual friend.
I returned to Korea and the only contact I had with JM was when Bill would talk about him. More than a year went by before our paths crossed again. I returned home to accept a job in Boston and try to reconnect with friends and family after five years living abroad. I went out with Bill occasionally, but always managed to miss JM. Eventually I was invited to his movie premier. His what? The impression I was given was that he had a hobby of making crazy movies. I did not get the feeling it was serious, but it sounded like fun and I thought it would be fun to see him again. Just before the premier, JM sent me an invitation with a web site for his production company.
You could have knocked me over with a feather. He was not what I expected. As I sat in my sister’s living room looking at his accomplishments, I spoke out loud in shock, “OH MY GOD! JM is really intelligent. This guy is a writer? His films have won awards? Oh my God -- this guy is a creative genius!” As my sister listened to me she said, “Do you ever listen to yourself? You are kind of a snotty bitch, you know that?” I told her she hadn’t met him.
I attended the movie premier and was blown away. He had written the story, as well as directing and starring in the film. I was dazzled by his talent. I was also pleasantly surprised when he recognized me immediately and gave me a hug hello. I thought, “He does have a sweet side.” Again, I enjoyed his company when I got a chance to speak to him and attempted to let him know how impressed I was without it coming out as a backhanded compliment. I am not sure I was successful in that, but he accepted graciously with a smile.
I saw him once in a while in a group over the next couple of months. We emailed once in a while. At some point I sent an email to everyone I knew in the Boston area looking for someone to meet me at a Korean Restaurant in Cambridge, as I had a hankering for Korean food. JM was the only person to respond. He agreed to meet me and he brought friends. It was my first time meeting him outside of a bar environment. He surprised me further that night. He was charming and spoke of how hard he imagined it would be to come back after so long and try to make new friends at our age. I had tried to explain that to people and felt like nobody understood, but this guy came up with it on his own. How did he know? He had brought me an article he had ripped out of the New Yorker, which was very thoughtful, and he talked about his writing for the first time. I had the best time I had had since a friend I had known in Korea had visited me in Boston months earlier.
After the Korean restaurant we started meeting almost weekly for dinner at a different restaurant. We had Thai food, Mexican food, and Chinese food, and with each meal he revealed more depth and talent and passion and enthusiasm. I was more impressed each time I met with him. He also sent me some of his work. I had only heard about the funny or crazy things he had written, but he sent me screenplays that were serious and well researched. I was having a hard time reconciling the man I was meeting for dinner, and starting to call friend, with the initial impressions I had of him. I clung hard to my first impressions though. He had poked my breast! I couldn’t have been wrong!
I found that he was a lot like me in many ways. At times I was surprised at the things we had in common. He loves Frank Sinatra music and many other oldies. He watches old movies. He can quote movies and knows who sings all the songs we grew up with. He remembers all my favorite old TV shows, and not only understands my references to them, but will reference them himself. He is the king of pop culture! He has a curiosity about the world and longs to travel. He is principled and passionate. He is thoughtful and caring and loyal to his friends. He showed his vulnerability and his insecurities when I still held back with my own. I admired his openness. I found him to be a completely different person one-on-one and was enjoying getting to know him. One night he invited me over to trim his Christmas tree with some of his good friends, and then started to include me more and more.
At some point I had to acknowledge that I needed to let go of the first impression. I needed to acknowledge that this guy had been more thoughtful of my needs and gone further out of his way for me in the last couple of months than many of the people who had known me for years and loved me. He had become a good friend. I realized that I had never been more surprised or impressed by a person than I was by JM. He told me as he left our second dinner, “I am going to inspire you,” and he truly has. His ambition and dedication to his writing puts me to shame. He has made me want to write more often and seek out places to publish my work.
First impressions are funny. At times you can have some misunderstanding and be wrong, but there is no misunderstanding about breast poking! I guess there are other times when you only see a sliver of who a person really is – only one aspect of their personality. People are complicated and protect themselves in many ways. I am glad that JM had a charm that could get him away with murder and that I was drawn to his humor. If not, I may have never gotten a chance to know this amazing man. I may have lost out on a friendship that I may well value for the rest of my life.
posted by Unknown | 9:39 PM
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